hatesthefood

Current Mood: cold

voice

The snow really is beautiful but I think I'm ready for it to clear up. I'm tired of my feet being wet when I walk to work and besides, I can't wait for spring. I can play soccer then even though there isn't a team here. Still, there's nothing quite like kicking a ball around when the weather is just perfect.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Not part of my life? Excuse me?"

Ken turned back towards him, frowning.

"That's what you said." Mamoru wasn't moving, but he leaned against the wall for support.

"Go. I'll be out of here by the time you get back."

"... you'd leave me again, huh? Just like that?"

Yes, he sounded a little bitter.

By now, it was impossible for Mamoru to keep his voice even, but he did his best.

"You've made it clear you don't want me."

"Since when?"

He wasn't having much luck controlling his own voice now.

"Since soccer became the only thing of worth in your life."

Mamoru swallowed hard and took the last few steps toward the bedroom, his legs shaking slightly. He stayed close to the wall so Ken wouldn't see.

It took Ken a long moment of stunned silence to process what he'd been told. Slowly shaking his head, he walked after Mamoru, grabbing at his wrist to turn him back around.

"You're taking things out of context, Mamoru!"

Mamoru didn't struggle against his grip, but he did glare up at Ken. There were fresh tears on his cheeks, but trying to hide now would only make things worse.

"Am I really, Ken? It doesn't seem that way with how quick you are to get rid of me."

Ken flinched a bit and let his wrist go, taking a step back.

"I'm not!"

Mamoru raised an eyebrow, pulling his hands back to wrap his arms around himself.

"You were ready to walk out that door after two sentences."

"Because I don't know what to say to you anymore! I feel like I'm not good enough to be anywhere near you."

Sighing, he glanced away.

"I'm trying," Mamoru spat. "What else do you want from me? I can't control how you feel."

"I want you to talk to me! Hell, would it be so hard to smile at me sometimes?"

He didn't mean to yell but the mounting stress between them wasn't helping much.

"I'm trying," he repeated, pressing his arms closer to his chest. "I can't change who I am, Ken. If you don't want me than for the love of god, just say it."

"But I DO want you! God, how else can I show you that?"

He shoved his hands into his pockets, trying to control his mounting temper.

Mamoru was quiet for a long few moments, before finally saying, "Do you want me, or do you want Omi?"

"That isn't fair, Mamrou."

"It's fairer than expecting me to be him and punishing me when I'm not."

"You're not the only one trying here!"

Mamoru watched him, then nodded.

"Then maybe we should just accept the inevitable."

Sighing, Ken closed his eyes, feeling his stomach clench.

"... so that's it?"

Mamoru glanced away. "Love isn't supposed to hurt, Ken, that's just for fairy tales." He added, more quietly, "And I am so sick of feeling this way..."

"So am I. Look... I'll go. You're welcome to... stay here. It's all set up and everything."

Mamoru shook his head softly.

"It's your apartment, Ken. I can find another easily enough."

Strangely, now that the moment had passed he found it easier to keep his emotions pulled back.

He heard the withdrawl in Mamoru's voice and knew it was pretty much a done deal.

".. alright. I'll.. help you move, if you want. I'm good with boxes..."

voice

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