hatesthefood

Current Mood: cold

voice

The snow really is beautiful but I think I'm ready for it to clear up. I'm tired of my feet being wet when I walk to work and besides, I can't wait for spring. I can play soccer then even though there isn't a team here. Still, there's nothing quite like kicking a ball around when the weather is just perfect.

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Mamoru nodded, watching him quietly.

"Alright."

He turned to go back to bed before he lost his composure.

"What is it?"

He asked it before he even really thought of it.

"Nothing," Mamoru said, glancing back over his shoulder. "Come to bed when you're ready." If Ken even wanted to, with him there.

"Damn it, you're still hiding from me."

He didn't mean for his voice to sound so sharp. He really didn't but the walking on eggshells around Mamoru added to the far too much time he spent at the Koneko had taken their toll on Ken.

"I'm not hiding from you." Mamoru fought to keep his voice calm, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm going to bed. There's a difference."

"I know you're smarter than I am but that doesn't mean you have to be a smartass."

Again, the words were there before he thought about it.

Damnit. He'd cried once already tonight and he was not going to cry again. Especially not in front of Ken. He wouldn't give the bastard the validation.

"If you don't want then say so, so I can leave with some dignity."

Ken's eyes went a little wide and he didn't even realize his hands had clenched into loose fists before he turned away and headed back towards where his coat lay draped over the back of a chair near the door.

Mamoru wasn't going to stop him. Ken had already told him that he no longer had space for the other man in his life. If Ken wanted to leave, fine. Mamoru would be gone by morning.

Coat on, he paused, head sagging low.

"... am I not good enough for you to talk to anymore?"

Mamoru paused, half way to the bedroom, then shook his head. He kept his back to Ken so the other Weiss wouldn't see the way his fingers curled into his shirt.

"I'm not a part of your life anymore. Don't put this on me."

"Not part of my life? Excuse me?"

Ken turned back towards him, frowning.

"That's what you said." Mamoru wasn't moving, but he leaned against the wall for support.

"Go. I'll be out of here by the time you get back."

"... you'd leave me again, huh? Just like that?"

Yes, he sounded a little bitter.

By now, it was impossible for Mamoru to keep his voice even, but he did his best.

"You've made it clear you don't want me."

"Since when?"

He wasn't having much luck controlling his own voice now.

"Since soccer became the only thing of worth in your life."

Mamoru swallowed hard and took the last few steps toward the bedroom, his legs shaking slightly. He stayed close to the wall so Ken wouldn't see.

It took Ken a long moment of stunned silence to process what he'd been told. Slowly shaking his head, he walked after Mamoru, grabbing at his wrist to turn him back around.

"You're taking things out of context, Mamoru!"

Mamoru didn't struggle against his grip, but he did glare up at Ken. There were fresh tears on his cheeks, but trying to hide now would only make things worse.

"Am I really, Ken? It doesn't seem that way with how quick you are to get rid of me."

Ken flinched a bit and let his wrist go, taking a step back.

"I'm not!"

Mamoru raised an eyebrow, pulling his hands back to wrap his arms around himself.

"You were ready to walk out that door after two sentences."

"Because I don't know what to say to you anymore! I feel like I'm not good enough to be anywhere near you."

Sighing, he glanced away.

"I'm trying," Mamoru spat. "What else do you want from me? I can't control how you feel."

"I want you to talk to me! Hell, would it be so hard to smile at me sometimes?"

He didn't mean to yell but the mounting stress between them wasn't helping much.

"I'm trying," he repeated, pressing his arms closer to his chest. "I can't change who I am, Ken. If you don't want me than for the love of god, just say it."

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